Boner Contention is a hamstring-pulling, prostate-probing love letter to everything that makes hard music hard.
The band explores the collective midlife crisis of five men who refuse to accept that heavy metal peaked when they were fifteen. They proudly lick every flavour of metal, from lithium to zinc.
Fuelled by tendon-twisting riffs, back-aching beats, and the sort of dark-web muscle relaxers usually reserved for ageing racehorses, they're a vulgar DISPLAY OF rechargeable power, so electric they can't get through domestic airport security screening!
Elon Musk has reportedly approached them about coating his next Mars rocket in their music.
Their bodies may fall apart, but the metal never will.
Fronted by pro-am snake milker Dave Eastgate and real estate mogul Daniel Steffe, there's only one thing you need to know:
BONER CONTENTION IS THE HARDEST BAND ON THE PLANET (ARGUABLY).
BACK ACHING metal.
BONER CONTENTION IS:
DAVE EASTGATE (VOCALS)
Fronting the band is Dave Eastgate, a card-carrying member of anonymous A-listers. He demos straight to MiniDisc, wears his caps flat and eats metal for breakfast. Dave’s tour T-shirts are damp, his luggage is light, and his pale, limp, lifeless body is heavy. Unbeknownst to the rest of humanity, chicks dig him.
DANIEL STEFFE (LEAD GUITAR)
On the lead guitar is REAL ESTATE MOGUL Daniel Steffe. Daniel enjoys sunsets on his superyacht, keeping a breast OF stock market trends and basking in the feel of a brand-new Louis Vuitton sweater. From dining out on Spanish caviar and foie gras on his Gulfstream jet to private performances from the Bolshoi Ballet with Vladimir Putin. Daniel Steffe does not fuck around.
ANDY DARCY (BASS)
Holding down the low end is Andy Darcy, a local council worker and a collector of deeply uninsurable life choices. Andy enjoys funnelling all the unused physical energy from his day job into his bass playing, taking immense pride in the fact that he was the band's solid fourth choice for the gig.
SHANE EVANS (DRUMS)
Behind the kit is Shane Evans, a runaway from a lentil-scented hippie town lit by locally sourced patchouli candles. Shane enjoys reiki massage, realigning chakras, and inflicting blunt force trauma on taut skins with stiff sticks. Shane honestly believes we’re living in a simulation. If so, the algorithm nailed the drummer.
ERROL JACKSON (GUITAR)
Rounding out the riff section is Errol Jackson, a former Lutheran choirboy and a connoisseur of mid-tier 90s pop anthems. Errol loves the novels of Proust, absorbing the emotional devastation of a Sade bridge, and basking in the highly rebellious thrill of finally being allowed to swear out loud.
